


Remembering Fragments

by gdesertsand



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mood Swings, Retrograde Amnesia, Suicide Attempt, personality change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-08-11 13:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7893994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gdesertsand/pseuds/gdesertsand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Retrograde Amnesia<br/>Gilbert awoke in the hospital. It was the first moment of his life as far as he was concerned. When there were people crying at his bedside, though, he began to be concerned with more than this one moment. According to this people, he’d had a life before this. Gilbert did not remember this life, but in seeing the sorrow of these people, Gilbert desperately wished he did. He did not know this people—couldn’t remember a wink from a time before that hospital—but Gilbert didn’t want to see them this way. Gilbert wanted to remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blank Slate

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! Here is the second prompt given to me by my awesome friend CodeVassie. Why is it another Amnesia fic? Because Code and I made Amnesia as the theme of our prompt exchange. If you read ‘When it Fails’ written by CodeVassie you will find out that it centers around traumatic amnesia. This one is about retrograde amnesia though, unlike my first amnesia fic that centers around anterograde amnesia. (I do not own Hetalia!)

**Chapter 1: Blank Slate**

It’s not like in the movies when someone woke up after a long time of sleeping. He didn’t wake up that fast. He knew he was waking up but whenever he moved his eyelids, even just a millimeter, he instantly fell asleep again. The first time he opened his eyes fully all he saw was just a blinding white. It hurt his eyes so he opted in sleeping again. The second time, he saw a blur of yellow mixed with white, and then he closed his eyes again. The third time, he saw a face. Someone who has long blond hair and piercing blue eyes. He saw a face, and then darkness embraced him once again. The fourth time, he heard soft murmurs. He didn’t understand what they were talking about and it was giving him a headache. So he did what usually happened. He left the living world again. The fifth time, he had heard a soft and soothing tune. He saw that face once again and this time the face before him was holding some kind of instrument that produced the calm music whenever the person applied air to it. He tried to reach out, he tried to speak, but he was too weak. He was too weak to do anything. His throat felt like it could not make any sound due to dryness. But the movement of his hand, that small minor twitch he managed with his limited strength, was enough to alert the person before him. 

Ah… he was awake after the fifth time.

The blond man asked him something but he could not understand him properly. When this was realized by the person talking to him then he was left alone. It was not that long until other people entered his line of vision.

When he was coherent enough some man and woman in white asked him certain questions and explained to him what was happening. They had told him that he was in a hospital. That for two weeks he was in and out of consciousness. They had told him he might feel sore all over his body especially his head. They gave him all the results of his situation. They never told him the reason why he was in this room. This white and blank feeling room. The cause of the effect was still unknown for him. 

His gaze found the flower vase placed on top of the bedside table. It was a beautiful bouquet of cornflowers. Somehow he could not help himself but to think that whoever the person replacing those flowers for the past two weeks was crying. He didn’t know why such thought entered his mind but the droplets attached on the petals looked like tears for him.

His name was Gilbert Beilschmidt, or so what they had told him. For all he knew, the fifth time was the first time he was born in the world of the living. He didn’t recognize the people that rushed towards his bed. He didn’t understand why they were crying in front of him. He didn’t know why they looked as if they had lost something very important.

His name was Gilbert Beilschmidt, it would just be a matter of perspective how he would step in this brand new world of him.

* * *

 

Ludwig Beilschmidt. That was the name of the first person he saw. Gilbert could tell how uncomfortable the blond man before him was. From the stiff way he was sitting beside the bed to the methodical way he was peeling the apple.

Gilbert was contented though. He silently munched on the slice of apple offered to him earlier. If Ludwig wanted to stay then he could stay. Gilbert would not speak of the awkward atmosphere around them. Gilbert liked the silence of the room, it gave him the peace of mind he wanted to have. Then Ludwig heaved a loud sigh. So loud that Gilbert was forced to acknowledge it.

“This is stupid.” Ludwig had finally spoken after an hour he had introduced himself.

_“No, it’s not. I like the quiet peace. So hush, don’t destroy it for me.”_ Those were the words that Gilbert wanted to say but he chose not to open his mouth for speaking. He just continued to eat his slice of apple. You could not blame him, it was really sweet.

Oh, wait…Ludwig was his little brother, right? How silly of him to forget about it. Not that it really mattered to him right now.

“So…nothing? You really don’t remember anything, Bruder?” Gilbert saw the desperation in Ludwig’s eyes when he had uttered his question.

Gilbert just shrugged his shoulders. Yes, a part of him felt guilty about his current situation. With how the people that visited him looked morose around him. Like it was a grave mistake that he had forgotten practically everything, though with enough catching up Gilbert could still live alone. He still knew how to read and write. He still remembered the basic knowledge. It was just the relationships with other people that he had forgotten.

The other part of him, however, could not care less about everything. Gilbert was still alive, that was what counted the most for him. The people from his forgotten memories could deal with it. The present Gilbert had no connection to any of them.

“Why won’t you speak to me?”

_“What would I tell you if I did?”_ but, again, Gilbert just stared straight at Ludwig’s eyes.

After a few minutes, the plate containing the apple slices was left on the bedside table. Gilbert lewas left alone with his peaceful silence. He picked another slice and started eating. The apples were really sweet. He just hoped that the next person that would visit him bring this sweet fruit with them.

* * *

 

Someone really needs to stop the woman screaming in front of him. For the love of white walls surrounding him, he didn’t want to go deaf right now! Why was she so hysterical anyway?! He could not help but to panic also. He was about to be killed by a deranged woman! How did she even manage to get in his room? The people in white told him that he was safe inside this building!

The doctors came in, the nurses followed after them. They took hold of the woman before him. A man who looked like an older version of Ludwig entered also. He was the one who finally forced the woman out of Gilbert’s room. One doctor and nurse approached Gilbert. They coaxed him to calm down. To breathe evenly. That was the moment that Gilbert realized his rapid intake of air for his lungs. He was like a drowning man that moment.

It turned out that the woman was his Mother and the man who escorted her out was Gilbert’s Father. It was briefly explained to Gilbert that something happened to his family and friends that was why his amnesia was such a huge impact for them, especially for Gilbert’s parents.

For Gilbert, it was still not a justifiable reason to take hold of his shoulders, started shaking him, and screaming indiscernible words straight at his face.

Just like the first time, they did not tell him the cause. They didn’t explained to him what was the ‘thing’ happened while he was asleep. No one even explained to him why he got admitted in a hospital in the first place.

He wanted someone to answer his questions for him. It did happen when one day his next visitor was a brunette man that carried an air of sophistication entered his room. And just like any visitor, the man took a sit beside Gilbert’s bed.

“I’m Roderich Edelstein.” That was how the man started their conversation, “They told me that you grew fond for the taste of this fruit.” With that said, Roderich brought out the basket that Gilbert failed to notice from the start.

When Gilbert realized that it was a basket full of apples his eyes immediately lit up. This seemed to surprise Roderich for he simply said, “So, you _do_ like the taste of apples.” Gilbert just nodded his head enthusiastically at this statement. With amused eyes, Roderich started peeling an apple. But the way he held the knife was different from how Ludwig did it. This was something that Gilbert noticed.

“This is very weird for me, you know?” did Roderich want to hold a normal conversation with him? “Usually, whenever we are stuck together we always ending up in a fight with each other.” Roderich stabbed the fork in one of the slices and handed the plate to Gilbert. “Now I know what they meant by the phrase ‘be careful to what you wish for’, if only we can turn back time.” Roderich ended it with such a somber tone that Gilbert was used to hear.

At first, Gilbert didn’t want to make any attempt to reply but the expectant stare given to him irked him so much that he blurted out the first thing that entered his mind.

“Gilbert Beilschmidt.” From the way Roderich’s face contorted with such confusion it was obvious that those were not the words he had expected to hear from the amnesiac patient. “My name is Gilbert Beilschmidt,” he repeated again, “how are you related to me?” and Roderich realized that Gilbert was looking for answers. Roderich realized that the reason why Gilbert was not on speaking terms with anyone was because no one was answering his questions needed to be solved.

“I’m your cousin from your Father’s side of the family.” Gilbert nodded at this.

“Why am I here?”

“You fell off a cliff. You were really lucky that a few branches broke your fall that time by the way.” Gilbert blinked a few times and tilted his head in confusion.

“Why did I fall off a cliff?”

Roderich hesitated a bit in answering but deep down he knew that Gilbert deserved to know the reason behind everything.

“You jumped.” Two simple words. Two simple words but held such heavy meanings behind them.

That was the time that pieces of the puzzles started to appear. His name was Gilbert Beilschmidt. He had a younger brother named Ludwig Beilschmidt. He had a Mother and a Father. He had a cousin named Roderich Edelstein. At the age of 22, Gilbert apparently survived his suicide attempt. What a wonderful way to start his new life. That was sarcasm speaking in the air.


	2. Starting Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past is a mystery. And like any mysteries, clues are needed to solve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Hetalia

**Chapter 2: Starting Again**

It was always like this. He would wake up first before his alarm went off. Actually, he was still wondering why he bothered to set an alarm clock if he would be always up first. Then he would stretch a bit before going to the bathroom to start his morning routines. After that he would ruffle the feathers of his cute little bird and let it nestled on top of his head. He would change his shoes, locked the door, and start running around to keep his body in shape.

 

A month and a half passed after Gilbert was discharged from the hospital and he knew that things would never go back to normal for those who still remembered everything. Staying in his parents’ house was not a happy week for him also. The woman who was introduced to him as his ‘Mother’ would be sweet and caring at first then the next she would be out for blood and always try to kill Gilbert while demanding to give her precious son back. The man who was labeled as his ‘Father’ decided that it would be good for everyone if Gilbert would stay somewhere else. At least until his ‘Mother’ was feeling better again.

 

Something that Gilbert really doubted so far.

 

In the end they got him an apartment and a bodyguard in the form of his very own little brother. Well, that was not a big problem for Gilbert. For him and Ludwig were rarely on speaking terms.

 

Ludwig had a busy life also, considering it was his last year in high school and applying for college. There was so little time for the two of them to meet even though they were living under the same roof. Gilbert, on the other hand, had such an understanding boss. His boss said that if he could still operate the machines then Gilbert was still allowed to go back to work. It was easy for Gilbert to relearn everything concerning electrical engineering so he was able to go back and earn money for himself again.

 

There was just one thing that bothered Gilbert the most though. After the first visit of Roderich, the man never came back again. He waited for days until he was officially out of the hospital but no Roderich Edelstein appeared before his eyes. Just when he thought that he finally found a person that would answer his questions willingly, without qualms, and then he was left hanging in the air.

 

“Good morning, Bruder.” It was a daily routine, Gilbert told himself again. After he got home from his morning exercise he would found Ludwig preparing breakfast for the two of them. The youngest Beilschmidt would greet him and Gilbert would just nod his head in return.

 

“Morning.” And that was all Gilbert would tell Ludwig in their short morning conversation.

 

As always, Gilbert could see the way Ludwig’s shoulders sagged down a little bit. As if the blond was waiting for something but Gilbert failed to give it to him.

 

They ate in silence. The only noise was made by the clattering of spoons and forks. When the clock struck 7:15am, Ludwig would attempt to make a conversation. Gilbert didn’t know if Ludwig noticed this part of the routine but he did, and it was always at the same time.

 

“I’m going to be able to go home early later.” Why Ludwig did keep calling their apartment as ‘home’? This was not his home. The place was just simply an apartment, nothing more and nothing less. A home should offer warmth for the people living inside of it. Gilbert could never give that warmth to Ludwig, at least not now or the next few days, months, or maybe even years. Ludwig was just a stranger for Gilbert and vice versa. That was what Gilbert thought in their situation.

 

“I will be able to go for some grocery shopping. Do you want me to buy something for you?”

 

Sometimes Gilbert would reply with just a single word, a sentence, Ludwig would consider himself lucky if he would be able to make his brother speak long enough to create one paragraph.

 

“…apples.” It looked like today was not a fortunate day for Ludwig.

 

“Apples.” Ludwig repeated as he forced himself not to sigh in front of his older brother, “Is that all?”

 

Gilbert just nodded and swallowed the last piece of pancake on his plate then sipped whatever was left in his morning coffee. At exactly 7:30am, Gilbert was left alone to do the dishes.

* * *

 

Today was Gilbert’s day off and during this day he adapted the habit of visiting the local library. Like a normal person, he would borrow a book but instead of reading it inside he would choose to check it out and read it at the nearby café that became one of his favorite spots in tow. He became a regular customer that all of the employees were used in seeing him on this particular day. They knew where he preferred to sit and orders he would make.

 

But this daily ritual was suddenly interrupted. He had reached his favorite café, the borrowed book was held by his left hand, when he saw the man he was waiting for to visit him again during his stay in the hospital. Roderich Edelstein was sitting on one of the chairs settled just outside the café. His cousin was contentedly taking a sip in his drink while the woman in front of him fiddled with her handbag. Acting on impulse, Gilbert copied the stance of a baseball player he saw in TV and tossed the book as hard as he could. His aim was perfect for it had hit Roderich-freaking-Edelstein straight on the face. The woman screamed in surprise while Roderich just clutched his obviously aching forehead where the spine of the book hit the hardest. Gilbert approached casually as if he didn’t almost give the other man a concussion.

 

“Sorry, my hand slipped.” Was the false explanation Gilbert gave and grabbed the book again just in case Roderich attempt to repay his actions. That was when Gilbert saw that the woman sitting across his cousin was openly gaping at him. Well, Gilbert could not deny that what he did was a bit childish. Meanwhile, Roderich was glaring daggers at Gilbert.

 

“I’m sorry for interrupting your date. I think this book has a personal vendetta against your boyfriend. Don’t worry, I shall be on my way now.” With that said, Gilbert turned around and was about to enter the café and grabbed his usual cake and coffee when a hand took hold of his shoulder.

 

“Wait! Gilbert! It’s me, Elizaveta!”

 

The moment the woman, Elizaveta as she had introduced herself, finished her sentence, Gilbert openly groaned. Great, another person who knew him before he got amnesia.

 

“Right.” Gilbert said in a dead tone, “I’m sure that you already know my situation, Ms. Elizaveta.” From the way her eyes widened it was a clear sign that she knew what he had meant. “It’s nice to meet you but just like what I have said before, I shall be on my way now.”

 

“Gilbert Beilschmidt!” he really should not have tossed the book if he knew the outcome would be something like this, “Why on earth did you hit me with a book?!”

 

“That’s not me.” Gilbert quickly defended himself and raised his hands in surrender, which kind of not proved his innocence because he was still holding the book, “It was the book’s wish to hit you on the face. I just granted its wish considering it has no body to it on its own.”

 

“Stop your nonsense excuses!” Roderich stood up and slammed his hands on the table. “It is clear as the day that it was your own doing!”

 

“Well, I guess it’s not that clear considering that today is cloudy.” Gilbert offhandedly commented as he stared up on the sky and shielded his eyes against the unwanted rays of light. He didn’t know that he was already riling up Roderich. It was not really his intention to make his cousin mad at him. He really did just toss the book on impulse.

 

“What is your problem?!” Roderich paused for a moment after he asked the question. Then, he took a deep breath in order to regain his remaining dignity in public. “Honestly, you may not act as boisterous before but you are still an insufferable man.”

 

“Well, Mr. Edelstein, you only have yourself to blame for that.”

 

“What?”

 

Gilbert felt like he had already spoken too much for the day and just stared back at Roderich.  The two of them lost themselves in their staring contest that they almost forgot the third presence in their group. Almost.

 

“How about you join us?” Elizaveta forced a joyful tone in her words, “I’m sure Roderich will not mind answering a few of your questions if you have any. I will not mind also!” she added the last part in a hurry but it was clearly depicted on her face that she didn’t want to answer any questions that would come out from Gilbert’s mouth.

 

When Elizaveta voiced out her suggestion it was then the moment that Roderich understood the reason behind Gilbert’s actions. He heaved a deep sigh and returned to his seat.

 

“Are you going to join us?” Gilbert stared at his cousin for a while longer before answering, “Fine. But I tell you now that I am not to be blamed if the book wants to hit you again later.”

 

Roderich failed to hide a wince. He clearly got the message that one wrong move and he might meet his death by a book. Ironically, Roderich was an Austrian and the book that Gilbert had on his hands was about Prussian history. Specifically, about the Seven Years War.

* * *

 

Gilbert decided to order a slice of black forest cake and lemon juice. If this was just one of his usual days then he would have probably ordered a simple chocolate cake and a cup of cappuccino. But since this was not one of his said ordinary days, he decided to do things differently. Who knows, maybe these changes could do him some good. Well, he hoped so.

 

He was currently drinking the lemon juice through the straw while looking at Roderich to the right then to Elizaveta on the left. Somehow he feels like he was a third wheel on the circular table they were occupying. It was a familiar feeling that made Gilbert more irritated. An emotion he was not used to feel on a regular basis. The only noise could be heard around their table was the way Gilbert sipped his beverage.

 

“So…how have you been, Gilbert?” Elizaveta put a smile as she said this but no one was convinced because her lips quivered a little.

 

“I’ve been good. Fine, as an amnesiac person can be.” Gilbert graced her an answer but he didn’t let go of the straw, making his words muffled for a bit but still understandable.

 

Just like Ludwig’s reaction whenever Gilbert opened his mouth to speak, Elizaveta’s shoulder dropped down a little and her forced smile from her face was completely gone.

 

“You’re not the same anymore…” she had commented unconsciously and covered her mouth in shock that she had said it out loud.

 

Gilbert released the straw with a small ‘pop’. He then stared straight into the eyes of a currently horrified woman.

 

“I think that is a given conclusion considering that I don’t remember anything about my past. Which takes me to my next question, how are you related to me, Ms. Elizaveta?”

 

Elizaveta’s hands hovered above her chin and she looked anywhere that was not Gilbert. She was contemplating for the right answer that she should give.

 

“I’m…I’m…” she slowly put her hands on the table and clasped them together. With her head bowed down she continued, “I’m a childhood friend of yours…”

 

Gilbert blinked, and he blinked again. He straightened his back a little as he pondered around the answer. From the time that he woke up, he perfectly practiced on how to solve the problems based on the limited information given to him. This happened because no one wanted to give him a straight answer.

 

“So…Roderich is my cousin and you are my, well I think ‘were’ is the proper term now, childhood friend.” Gilbert started, “Hm…and considering that this is a date that I had interrupted, I am assuming here that the two of you met each other through the past Gilbert.”

 

It looked like he had hit the spot when Elizaveta choked at nothing.

 

“I thought you want some answers, Gilbert?” Roderich interrupted the conversation. It was a good timing also because it seemed that any moment Elizaveta would lose control of her emotions.

 

Gilbert shifted his gaze and was now glaring towards his cousin. Today was an emotional roller coaster for the amnesiac albino. This was because Gilbert was not used in showing a lot of emotions in a single day. He usually went on his new daily life with a neutral expression towards everything that was happening before him. Sadly, the current case was different from everything.

 

“Yeah. It was kind of irritating when you dropped off such a huge bomb on me and never returning to tell me more. So my question to you is…why did the past Gilbert tried to attempt suicide?”

 

“What?!” Elizaveta screamed suddenly, “Roderich, how could you?!” she gripped the sides of the table and it was a clear sign that she was definitely angry, “Why did you tell him that?”

 

“Because he deserves to know the truth.” Roderich answered simply, “I didn’t even agreed in the decision of everyone.” He then returned his attention towards Gilbert, “To answer why I didn’t return was because the Beilschmidt family, your family, has forbidden me in seeing you again. They were really frustrated when they found out that I told you about your, ahem, predicament.”

 

“Because he was not supposed to know it…” Elizaveta mumbled.

 

“As I was saying,” Roderich didn’t pay attention to what Elizaveta had said, “They didn’t want me to spill anymore beans and asked, more like demanded in my opinion, the hospital to block me from visiting you.”

 

“And you didn’t even think of seeing me after I was released?” it was a valid question for Gilbert. How Roderich could give up so easily? Was Gilbert really not worth the effort? The people around him wanted him to remember but they were not answering Gilbert’s questions so how could he realize the past? The more they evade his questions the more Gilbert’s desire to forget everything behind increases.

 

“I tried.” Roderich cut in Gilbert’s inner thoughts, “But Uncle, your Father I mean, threatened me that he would call the police if I tried to see you again. Though I know it was an empty threat. Then the news reached me that you and Ludwig are not currently living with your parents.”

 

“I would like to say ‘who told you that’ but I could care less from whose loose tongue you heard that from.” Gilbert shrugged his shoulders to emphasize his point. “You still haven’t answered my main question thought. I know enough that suicide is caused by depression. What made the past Gilbert so depressed to the point he had wanted to end his own life?”

 

“Why do you keep referring to yourself as ‘past Gilbert’?” Elizaveta entered the conversation again with a tone that wanted to be acknowledged, “You’re still Gilbert, with amnesia or not.”

 

Gilbert narrowed his eyes towards her and said in a voice that he meant business, “Don’t fool yourself, Ms. Elizaveta. Both you and I, as well as the others, know that the current Gilbert you are talking to is not the same Gilbert from your memories. I am not the Gilbert you once knew.”

 

In the end Roderich told him to ask Ludwig about such sensitive topic and lead Elizaveta away from the café. Gilbert agreed to this arrangement because the moment tears started pouring down her eyes was the time Gilbert knew that he had stepped on some kind of line.

 

He forgot to ask them who were the person that kept giving him a bouquet of cornflowers when he was still staying in the hospital. Maybe Ludwig would have some answer about it also.

 

Gilbert had just a feeling that it was neither Roderich nor Elizaveta. He had a tugging sense that none of the people he had met when he woke up was the person who patiently delivered the flowers to him. Still, he wanted to know to whom those tears on the petals belonged to.

 

He just wished that the past Gilbert had kept some kind of diary to serve as a guideline for his current amnesiac state.

 

It was such a waste thought that he didn’t manage to read his book. With a sigh, he went back to the library in order to return it.


	3. Gathering Clues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, the search will begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: OOCness, grammatical errors (in minimum as much as possible), and there might be triggers because there is implied bullying in this chapter and depression. Though not that graphical.

**Chapter 3: Gathering Clues**

 

What would you do if you were in a situation that clearly threatens your dear life? Run away from the danger? Scream for help? Or would you dare to fight back and prove that no one could take your future away from your own hands?

 

Ludwig Beilschmidt did none of the above. He just merely stared at his attacker with his mouth hanged open in surprised.

 

Gilbert regarded his younger Brother with a bored stance, hand still outstretched when he threw the kitchen knife. You see, the moment Ludwig announced his presence in their shared apartment was the time that Gilbert threw the sharp object and embedded itself in the wooden door near enough to slice Ludwig’s cheek.

 

“Bruder,” Ludwig finally managed to speak, albeit with a shaky tone, “I know you have bouts of mood swings but please don’t tell me you’re turning psychotic now?”

 

“Rude, I just did it to make things clear that you can’t run away from me once I start my interrogation.”

 

Yup, his brother already lost it. Was amnesia supposed to change someone’s personality this way? Where was his idiotic, happy, egoistical, playful older brother? Gone? Was he gone forever and replaced by this…this person who was almost as cold as ice?

 

Now was not the time to think about philosophical things but Ludwig’s rationality seemed to abandoned him for a moment. The things in his life right now were really complicated.

 

“Come on, we need to talk.” Gilbert beckoned him to follow, “Oh, and get that knife out of the door. I haven’t started dinner and that is the only knife in this place.”

 

Well, at least Gilbert looked like in a talkative mode. Ludwig had a mix feeling about this, on one side he was happy that his brother was finally speaking to him in a normal civilized conversation while on the other side, he was dreading what was the thing that Gilbert wanted to talk to him about.

 

They reached the kitchen and Gilbert asked him to have a seat across him. When both of them were already settled down as comfortably as they could, a moment of silence passed. Ludwig could not stop fidgeting like when he was a six years old and Gilbert gave him a stern scolding when he attempted to climb a tree without supervision. For the record, Ludwig managed to climb up but not that too far from the ground so it was safe for him to jump down without any problems. But still, Gilbert said he almost had a heart attack.

 

“So,” at last Gilbert finally spoke, “You still haven’t told me why I am in the hospital a couple of months ago. None of you told me. I thought it was my patient right to know what happened to me.”

 

Curse his bad luck. Why of all times did Gilbert finally decided to bring out this topic? Why now that it was only the two of them in their home? If his Father was here then he could easily evade the question and let the oldest Beilschmidt in their family to handle the situation. But no, it just had to be him, wasn’t it?

 

“You already know it, right?” Ludwig shifted his gaze to the side. He had heard Gilbert scoffed a bit towards him.

 

“Yeah, but I was hoping someone from my first family would come out and say the truth but no, I just need to hear it from other people. Oh, by the way, restraining Mr. Roderich Edelstein from seeing me was so exaggerated. At least he had the decency to explain things to me.”

 

If this was like the normal days then Ludwig would have chuckled when Gilbert called their cousin as ‘Mr. Roderich Edelstein’ because it was clear that his brother meant it as an insult and not as a sign of respect. But not now, not with that tone, because that voice had only two kinds of emotions currently and those are coldness and indifference. Gilbert used honorific titles to distance himself from others.

 

“Let’s put that subject aside for now, younger Brother,” just like how Gilbert seldom say the name of his own brother, “That’s not the reason why we are having this discussion now.”

 

“You’re in a talkative mood today.” Ludwig finally mentioned, just to stall whatever questions Gilbert had in mind.

 

“You have Mr. Edelstein to thank for that if so,” Gilbert leaned on the table and rest his chin on the palm of his left hand, “Younger Brother, why did the past Gilbert attempted suicide?”

 

Ludwig inhaled deeply when the question registered inside his mind. Why? Why did his older Brother attempted suicide? Why did Roderich needed to open his mouth? He knew that his Austrian cousin was such a prick in their lives but he didn’t expect Roderich to spill the beans that so easily. Everyone decided not to tell Gilbert about the ‘suicide’ part. That the only explanation when his brother awakened was that he accidentally fell off the cliff.

 

An accident, just an accident, nothing more and nothing less.

 

It was just an accident. Gilbert didn’t jump off out of his own free will.

 

Apparently, Roderich was not amused by the idea and went ahead to tell the truth.

 

“Also,” Gilbert added when he noticed the frown and controlled anger on Ludwig’s face, “don’t you dare lie to me. The doctors said something happened when I was asleep. It was either you found the past Gilbert’s suicide note or you discovered something else. The knife was just my initial warning.”

 

It was always like this, wasn’t it? Even in the past, the past before everything went awry, before his Brother lost his memories, Gilbert would always get whatever he wanted as long as he was serious about it. After all, Gilbert was a genius strategist.

 

A genius who kept everything he felt bottled up inside his tormented heart. A heart that was enveloped by an ice cold loneliness.

 

“There was no note.” Ludwig finally answered, “But there was an MP3 collection and a player.”

* * *

 

_Entry xxx_

_Hello! I am the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt! Before everything else, I am Prussian not German, got it? Kesese! Why am I saying this, I am the only one who will hear this anyway. Moving on! So, this little, Prussian blue, mp3 player is given to me by my parents as a birthday gift. But storing songs is too common and common is so not awesome. Then I finally decided that I will use this to record my awesome everyday life! But then the memory capacity might reach its limit. Hm, I guess I’ll just store it somewhere when the time comes! Kesese!_

_Entry xxx_

_I have a new friend today. So this morning when I was walking around the park, I found this cute yellow fluff ball under a tree and was shivering pretty badly. When I approached it I found out that it was a canary and his wing was injured, probably practicing to fly but failed. We brought the little guy to the doctor. He will be staying with me while he heals!_

_Entry xxx_

_Guess what! The little bird decided to stay with me! When his wings were already healed and we set him free, a few hours later I found him outside the window of my room! From now on I am naming my awesome friend as Gilbird. Of course named after by the awesome me!_

_Entry xxx_

_I can’t believe it! Elizaveta have fallen in love to my stupid cousin Roderich! Why?! I’ve been with her all this time. I’m his best friend! I practically know everything about her! I’m the one who is supposed to be by her side! This is so not awesome._

_Entry xxx_

_These past few days were so not awesome. School works were getting piled up one after another and then there was the decision which college school we wanted to attend in the future. My best friends, Francis and Antonio, had already chosen theirs. I don’t know where I should go. I know! I better asked Old man Fritz! He was, after all, the most awesome Grandpa I could ever asked for!_

_Entry xxx_

_Old man Fritz suffered a heart attack. I thought I was having a heart attack also when I saw my Grandpa lying on the floor. Everything was a blur. Why was this happening? No one was answering me on what would happen to my Grandpa._

_Entry xxx_

_Grandpa was buried today. I didn’t expect that Old Man Fritz would die before I even reach college…I miss my Grandpa. He was the most awesome old man I ever knew._

_Entry xxx_

_Today…is my birthday…Vati and Mutti forgot it again. This is the fifth time. Ludwig, my little brother, is too immersed in his own school works so I understand if he has also forgotten about this day. I guess Gilbird is the only one that will keep me in company again. Who would even remember the annoying Gilbert, right?_

_Entry xxx_

_I found this weird antique shop. I got nothing else to do ever since I graduated college. I never really expected that I would finish college. Considering my luck, I thought I would be a drop out and be the black sheep of the family. Guess I have still some chance after all._

_Entry xxx_

_I decided to enter that weird antique shop. The name was ‘Kirkland’s Wonderland’, huh…it’s more like a name of a toy shop instead of an antique shop. Nonetheless the room was full of bronze, silver and gold. The owner’s name was Arthur Kirkland, he’s British and had the bushiest eyebrow I ever saw! I think I got on his bad side the moment I opened my mouth and made fun of his eyebrows._

_Entry xxx_

_It’s genetic! Arthur had four more other siblings and has the family trait!_

_Entry xxx_

_Apparently, the antique shop has a Russian part timer. His name was Ivan Braginski. And I hate him! The moment we set eyes on each other we immediately started fighting! Gah! He’s so annoying! And what’s with that smile of his? It’s creepy! Seriously, I hate that guy!_

_Entry xxx_

_Don’t tell anyone about this…I often visit now the antique shop and I think I made friends with the Kirkland brothers. I will never admit this to anyone but…Ivan is not that bad at all. Whenever I look into his eyes…I see this familiar sadness that I always saw in my eyes…_

_Entry xxx_

_It’s embarrassing, this is embarrassing! I don’t want to show my face to the outside world ever again! Why does Ivan push all the wrong (right? I don’t know) buttons on me? It’s just took a few words to send me crying like a baby._

_“We’re friends right? You don’t need to pretend when we are alone together.” Ivan said to me. Maybe…his rank became higher compared to Francis and Antonio._

_Entry xxx_

_Freak. Useless. Worthless. Not worth the time._

_Those were the words Natalia Arlovskaya, Ivan’s half-sister, said to me when she saw hanging out with her ‘precious big brother’. Honestly, I’m used to hear those words ever since I am a child. I’m always a target of bullies because of my appearance. There was just something…the way she had delivered it that made a giant hole inside my heart._

_Am I not worth Ivan’s time?_

_Maybe I am just a waste of space after all._

* * *

 

Gilbert turned off the mp3 player when he decided that he had heard enough. He took off the earphone and placed the player on his study table. Ludwig said that he would spend the night with the Vargas family so that Gilbert could listen to the audio peacefully.

 

Gilbert thought though that seeing the player again was painful for Ludwig’s eyes.

 

In truth, Gilbert skipped a lot of them because most were just recollection of mundane things. But he did notice that as he got nearer to the more recent ones was that the more the voice got lonelier…the boisterous attitude was getting lost.

 

He looked at his sleeping pet.

 

_Gilbird is the only one who never left me alone_

Gilbert softly caress the soft feathers of his little pet, “So, you’re a loyal companion, huh? I wonder what would have happened to you if had never woke up.” He stared at the yellow fluff ball for a few more minutes before deciding to grab a piece of paper and a pen.

 

He started writing the clues he had gotten so far.

 

Arthur Kirkland

 

Kirkland’s Wonderland

 

Kirkland Brothers

 

Francis and Antonio

 

Ivan Braginski

 

Natalia Arlovskaya

 

“Hm…maybe I should start with the antique shop first. That is the easiest place to find after all. I just hope I will see this ‘Kirkland’ person…” and he also hoped that one of these people was the deliverer of the cornflowers.


	4. Looking for the Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Arthur Kirkland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *busts open the door* Guess who finally managed to write a new chapter even though it is a short one! Okay. Before I forgot to say this again, Thank you all for the reviews, favorites, kudos and follows! You make me so happy! Honestly, whenever I read a review I am always jumping in joy. Oh, and this prompt was given to me by my awesome friend CodeVassie! (Hi My Awesome Friend! And sorry for being late and for the shortness of this chapter!)
> 
> Warnings: OOCness, grammatical errors (in minimum as much as possible).
> 
> I do not own Hetalia.

**Chapter 4: Looking for the Key**

One thing for sure, Google maps was helpful in showing where was the place you were looking for, but as for the ways on how to get there…not that much. In Gilbert’s opinion that was the case. Unless he was not using the application correctly, if that was the case then he blames his amnesia.

 

As he got off the bus, he looked one more time on the piece of paper where he wrote the address of the antique shop. It was probably time to ask the locals where he could locate the street because if he would turn another wrong road one more time then he would be forced to call his younger brother and picked him up like a lost child. And he wanted to avoid such scenario as much as possible.

 

He was surprised that Ludwig didn’t know about the antique shop in the first place.

 

_“Younger Brother, where is this antique place called ‘Kirkland’s Wonderland’?”_

_“What, Bruder?”_

_“Kirkland’s Wonderland.”_

_“Um…I don’t think I have ever heard of such a place.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“But, you’ve listened to the record, right? It’s been said there, so you’ve heard it.”_

Oh, now that he remembered it, he was the one who caused Ludwig to give him a stone cold face and left him alone earlier than his usual schedule. It was a sound conclusion for Gilbert though, because if the others _did_ listen to the record then they had surely made a list also of places where the past Gilbert usually spent his time. And possibly interviewed a few people.

 

It looks like none of them was a good detective if they only focused on the reason of his current amnesia. Or maybe they didn’t want to dig that deep. Either way, Gilbert was just curious who was giving him the cornflowers. That was the only reason why he was doing his own investigation.

 

“Excuse me, sir.” Gilbert approached the man sweeping the floor in front of the bakery. He was blond with violet eyes, a rare color for Gilbert to see but who was him to judge? He himself had a pair of red eyes. The man he had asked was smaller in height compared to Gilbert and had what you could describe as a ‘cute face’, “May I ask you a question?”

 

“Oh! Good day!” The man greeted Gilbert cheerfully and stopped his tasked, “How may I help you?”

 

“Um…good day to you too.” Where were his manners? He just blurted out his intention without even saying a greeting, “Do you know where I can find this place?” Gilbert then showed the paper.

 

“Are you going to ‘Kirkland’s Wonderland’?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then you can wait for me!”

 

Gilbert only blinked in surprise when he heard the offer given to him.

 

“I am supposed to pick up their youngest brother after I finish setting up the shop. My partner and I always look after the little one because his older brothers are too busy in their own works.”

 

“…okay?” he could not help but raised an eyebrow in inquiry.

 

“Brilliant! My name is Tino Väinämöinen. You can just call me Tino, I know that my last name is difficult to pronounce for other people.” Tino offered a hand as a customary when introducing oneself to another.

 

“Gilbert, Gilbert Beilschmidt. You may call me Gilbert to make things much simpler.” He took the hand and shook it firmly once.

 

Tino giggled a bit from the way Gilbert had introduced himself, “You’re such a polite young man. Your kind is rare nowadays.”

 

“Young? Surely you’re not that older than me?”

 

“You’ll be surprised.” Tino grabbed the broom and entered the bakery. After a few minutes he stepped out again. This time he took off the sky blue apron he was previously wearing. Now he was done with a light blue sweater and black jeans. “Shall we?”

 

Gilbert nodded in reply and followed Tino.

* * *

 

There were a few things that Gilbert didn’t really like. One was being hugged by surprise and two, almost being deaf because someone was kind enough to shout right in front of his ears.

 

“Uncle Gilbert! It’s been a long time! Why did you stop visiting us? I miss you!” the child, probably a twelve year old or younger, squeezed the air out of Gilbert’s lungs. He had to give the boy a little bit of credit, for he was slowly killing Gilbert like a prey caught by a snake. That was indeed an incredible strength, like the boy was made of steel…did he really just made a superman reference? Gilbert badly needs air, now.

 

“Oh, dear! Peter, honey, please let go of the poor man. He is turning blue.” Bless Tino for being such a concerning soul.

 

“Oh…” Peter just realized what he was doing to the ‘poor man’ and immediately loosened his grip and landed his feet on the floor, “I’m sorry, Uncle Gilbert…” the child pouted, goodness what does Gilbert needed to do in order to stop the Peter from giving him those puppy eyes?

 

“It’s fine…um…Peter, right?”

 

Peter frowned a little from the uncertain way Gilbert talked to him. It seemed that the child was about to address the albino again when he was interrupted by another voice once again. This time the voice came from the door found behind the cashier counter.

 

“Tino? Are you here to pick up Peter? I have his bags he—” the man stopped whatever he was going to say when he saw Gilbert standing awkwardly in front of young Peter.

 

“Gilbert! How are you? You git! At least give us some notice if you plan to be away _for months!_ You didn’t even leave any sort of contacts for us to check if you are still alive!” judging from the eyebrows and the appearance of the man, small stature and a messy blond hair accompanied with emerald eyes, Gilbert now assumed that this guy was Arthur Kirkland he had heard from the journal and the one who owns the antique shop.

 

“Ivan didn’t tell us also what’s wrong a week after you had a fight with his little sister!”

 

‘Arthur’, as Gilbert earlier assumed for no one was bothering to introduced themselves aside from Tino, continued ranting about how impolite it was not to bother visiting after storming out that one fateful day when the female Belarusian walked inside the shop and started a verbal fight with _everyone_ except her older brother which was Ivan in that case. How it was frustrating to wait day in and day out to wait for some sign that Gilbert was still alive and not wallowing himself in self-pity, as Arthur oh so kindly pointed it out. How it was doubly annoying that Ivan was not telling them anything even though they know that their Russian part timer had some knowledge where they could find their self-proclaimed ‘awesome Prussian’.

 

“…ahem.” Gilbert tried to stop the ranting in the most polite way as he could possibly do, “I think it’s too late to say this but let’s have this out of the table in order to avoid further confusion, mostly in my part, just in case.” He took a deep breathe when he realized that he was given the opportunity to speak and judging from the raised eyebrow, ‘Arthur’ seemed curious as well for what he had to say, “Good day, my name is Gilbert Beilschmidt. At least that is what the people in the hospital and my so called family told me, if I am given the wrong information then I’ll be happily be corrected. Also, if it is not yet obvious from my earlier statement, I have retrograde amnesia.”

 

Why, oh, why did he need to speak so much? Gilbert was so not used to such long conversations. A thing that was proof of his difference from his past self and was always reminded whenever he talked to someone who used to know him. He then heard a deep sigh and saw ‘Arthur’ pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“Bloody hell, I would like to tell you to stop pulling out your stupid pranks but judging from the way you look at us it seems safe to say that you are serious.”

 

“Yes, I am. I believe I deserved some introductions from you?”

* * *

 

Tino already escorted young Peter away from the shop and Gilbert didn’t know how the man with an angelic face managed to convince the little hellion in leaving his ‘Uncle Gilbert’ and ‘Jerk Arthur’ alone to talk in private. Whatever it was, Gilbert needed to know it because it appears that technique could be used in the future, who knows?

 

“Would you like some tea?” offered to him. Arthur led him to the kitchen found at the back of the shop. Gilbert was told that a day off would not hurt anyone and that Arthur had no appointments for the day that was not taken care of by his older brothers.

 

“If it’s no trouble.” Gilbert made himself comfortable on one of the chairs found beside the counter.

 

“You really have changed, I didn’t know that amnesia can do this…but then our memories is a big factor in our personality.” The kettle was not placed on the stove and now they were waiting for it to boil.

 

“I’ve been told too many times.”

 

“…well, this is awkward but let me introduce myself again. I am Arthur Kirkland one of the owners of Kirkland’s Wonderland. You’ve met my youngest brother just now, his name is Peter.”

 

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kirkland.”

 

Arthur stared at him with wide eyes before filling the silence again with his voice.

 

“I don’t think I can get used to this personality shift of yours, Gilbert. And call me Arthur, the name ‘Mr. Kirkland’ will only serve as confusion because we have five Kirkland living in this area, including young Peter.”

 

“Arthur, then.” He complied easily like the topic was not worth fighting, which was the point.

 

“So, can you explain to me the story of how you find yourself having amnesia?”

 

“I honestly don’t know the whole story but I will try my best if you will help me in return.”

 

“Just like what you have said, I will try my best.”

                                                                                                                      

Arthur was not the one who gave him the flowers, this was an obvious fact.


End file.
